I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.