Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.