Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.