Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.