I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.