Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.