My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.