My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.