The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.