He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.