He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.