The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.