I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.