I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.