I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.