Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.