Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".