Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.