Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.