Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.