Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.