I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.