I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.