I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.