I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.