I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?