I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.