Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.