Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.