Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.