Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.