Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.