I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.