Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.