Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.