You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.