You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.