I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.