I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.