I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.