I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.