Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.