The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.