When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.