When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?