When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.