When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.