Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.