My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.