My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.