I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.