I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'