I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'