I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.