I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.