I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.