I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.