I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.