I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.