I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.