When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.