When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.