Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.