When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.