When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?