When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".