When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.