When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.