How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.