How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.