How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.