How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.