When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?