I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.