I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'