Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!