Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.