Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.