I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.