I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.