I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.