I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.