I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.