I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo PhilipsI started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo PhilipsI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo PhilipsI think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.
Emo Philips