My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'