My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.