I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.