I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.