I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.