I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!