I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.