I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'