I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.