Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.