I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.