I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.