I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.