I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.