I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.