I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.