If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.