The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.