I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.