People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.