People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.