When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.